Your table is ready.

No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
- Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society

Today we are all saddened by the death of a man most of us grew up watching on TV and in movies. A man who brought happiness to millions of people. A comic genius. It's hard to imagine that someone with so much success, who made so many of us laugh over and over again, also had demons. Robin Williams fought addiction and depression. People are already saying things like, "What a selfish thing to do" about his apparent suicide. Honestly, I've had that thought before too. But the reality is that when someone is depressed -- truly, clinically depressed -- they are not able to think about it that way. In their minds, it's like they're doing their loved ones a favor. That sounds completely backwards to us. But it's true. None of us will ever really know what he was thinking, of course. But I'm certain he wasn't thinking about how deeply his death has affected an entire generation...actually several generations of people. I'm certain he had no idea how much we all loved him.

Along with being sad about Williams' loss, I'm also angry. In this society we live in, there's still a stigma about mental health care. Depression is like cancer. It does not discriminate. Having success and money might help, only because you might have access to mental health care facilities that others don't. But depression is wicked. And if you seek help for depression, there are people who still look down their noses at you, that pass judgement on you. So I say let's start NOW by trying to use words and ideas to change the world. Let's change the way society looks at mental illness. Let's look at this illness like any other illness - diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. There is help available. And it is ok to ask for help. And if someone asks you for help, help them. Do not judge them, do not treat them with kid gloves. Help them get treatment, like you would if they had any other illness.

RIP, Robin Williams. Your table is ready. 
Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘your table is ready.’ ~Robin Williams

If you are someone you know is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.

Rust, Wrinkles & Gray Hair

Tonight I watched a documentary called The History of The Eagles. It reminded me how much I truly enjoy their music and made me think of my dad. I went through a phase where ALL I TALKED ABOUT was The Eagles and how groovy their melodies were and how much their lyrics spoke to me. Whenever I would talk about it, my dad would just get this big grin on his face and nod his head. I was born at least a decade too late. I was experiencing their music many years after my dad and everybody else had already realized their musical genius, so I'm sure he got a kick out the fact that his daughter liked "his" music. Or maybe he was just glad I had gotten over my The Doors phase or was taking a break from talking about my favorite band, Journey.

As I was watching the show, some of the lyrics I've always loved resonated with me all over again, maybe because my birthday is tomorrow and I'm reflecting on my life a little bit. (Does everyone do this on their birthday or is it just me?) I wonder if I'm just wasting my time on earth away or if I'm really just busy living, you know?

Lyrics from one of my favorite Eagles songs, Wasted Time:
You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time...
And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn't really
Wasted time... 

I also think my dad liked that I was totally enamored with a band, and in particular Don Henley, who was committed to preserving the environment. Don Henley founded the Walden Woods Project. And my dad's favorite artist, John Denver, founded the Windstar Foundation. One time, he sat me down and made me listen to the song Learn to Be Still. I didn't really get it at the time, but I do now. Come to think of it, a lot of the Eagles songs have sort of the same message: things can change in a New York Minute, Life in the Fast Lane, Take it Easy, even Take it to the Limit:
You can spend all your time making money
You can spend all your love making time

I think I spent a lot of years being more focused on making money (and wow, I wasn't great at that, was I?) And we all spend a lot of time trying to make enough time for love, don't we? Actually that's an entire blog post of it's own for me. Some days I feel like the song Desperado was written for me. Nobody understands the true meaning of Hotel California, but I think we can all agree it's one of the coolest, rockingest songs of all time. :)

But the most compelling thing about this documentary was something Don Henley said at the end. He referenced a Neil Young quote about quitting before you rust. He was referring to music, of course, but it made me think about life. I was feeling old and rusty, but what Don Henley said made me feel better:
"I don't see rust as a bad thing. I have an old 1962 John Deere tractor that's covered in rust, but it runs like a top. You know the inner workings are just fine. To me, that rust symbolizes all the work done and all the experiences gained. From where I sit, rust looks pretty good."

So I may be a little rusty, have some wrinkles and gray hair, but I also have some experience...and Life's Been Good to Me So Far. :)

Note from mom

Today when I got home from running errands, I opened my garage door and saw a piece of paper lying on the ground, just inside my garage. The wind kicks up leaves and trash and for some reason, it always ends up right in front of my garage door, so I assumed it was someone else's paper that blew into my garage. I bent down to pick it up and stopped. This was in my mom's handwriting!

I looked around, trying to figure out which box of my mom's stuff, stored in my garage, this piece of paper had escaped from. I couldn't figure it out, nor do I remember ever seeing this note before. My garage is a complete disaster...it's packed to the gills with junk from my mom, dad and my grandparents. Since I live in a one bedroom apartment, I have nowhere else to put anything. But random pieces of paper shouldn't just mysteriously show up.

So the only conclusion I can come to is that my mom wanted me to see this piece of paper today for some reason. I believe that the departed do find ways to speak to us. My sister got a phone call from dad and has been visited by mom several times in dreams. Dad used to hang out with me in my dreams and sometimes I will smell him or my grandma. But this might be the first time my mom has visited me.

Not sure what the significance of this note is. I vividly remember what mom went through in 2009 - and 2010, for that matter. I will never, ever forget it. In fact, I watched the movie My Sister's Keeper on TV last night and cried and cried, remembering all the horrid medical procedures both my parents endured. Maybe it was just the easiest paper for her spirit to find in a box...ha! Maybe it's because my birthday was Saturday...but wait, today is my sister-in-law's birthday. Maybe mom is chuckling right now, knowing that I'm trying to solve the mystery. And maybe one of my cats got into a box when they were in the garage the last time, but then there's still the mystery of how this note made it's way to the front of the garage.

I may never know the answer, but I am thankful that it made me think of my momma and for the smile it brought to my face.

Little Black Boxes

So I finally decided to rejoin an online dating site, begrudgingly. My sister and sister-in-law practically had to force me. Let's face it...the dating world can be a not-so-fun place. Turns out not much has changed since the last time I was on one of these sites. In fact, I'm seeing a lot of the same people. However, I have hope that they work because both my siblings met their significant others on this site. There's a lot of weeding through the weirdos and guys who clearly don't bother to read your profile. But hey, the first guy to contact me was 25! So that did wonders for my ego! And then I noticed a new, disturbing trend:

No, these are not photos of men who have little black boxes for heads. But yes, these are pictures of men posing with money! Literal money. Cold, hard cash. I would really like to know why these men think this is a good profile photo and if this works for them? Are there really women out there who would be impressed by this? Do they think that holding cash makes women swoon? And does Money Boy #1 think that $100 would cut it if that's the case? I'm curious, yet very disturbed by this trend.

So I will plug along and look for men not holding money in their photos. If they happen to have a little money in their bank account, I'm ok with that, but it's not what matters most. Clearly, how much cash you can gather for your profile photo is where it's at!

Who Took the Twinkies?

We have a long-standing family mystery involving Twinkies that I like to call "Who Took the Twinkies?" When we were kids, we spent most afternoons and every summer day at our Grandma and Grandpa Doerfler's house while our parents were at work. Grandma always had a snack for us in the afternoons and one time, she bought a big package of Twinkies. Apparently when she went to serve them to us, they were missing. I remember being placed in what felt like a line up and being questioned, over and over, about who took the Twinkies. After what seemed like hours, my brother Jeff finally admitted to eating them. I knew he wasn't the culprit (he wasn't really into sweets that much) and I knew I wasn't the culprit (I never really liked Twinkies). But I wasn't sure about my sister Jill...ha. She was very young and wouldn't remember now if she were the one who took them. To this day, I think grandma hid them somewhere and forgot where she put them. I wouldn't be surprised if the people who bought their house found those Twinkies, still good since they have a shelf life of 60 years, tucked away somewhere in a corner! Anyway, I just read that Hostess, the company that makes Twinkies, is filing for Chapter 11 and made me think that Twinkies could actually cease to exist, giving a whole new meaning to our "Who Took the Twinkies" saga. I don't eat Hostess snacks of any kind anymore (this could explain the bankruptcy), but it does make me sad for future generations to think that they could grow up without these sugary treats.

Christmas Stocking

This almost 40-year-old stocking has never been hung at my house before. It's always had a comfortable home next to my brother and sister's stockings at our family house growing up, then at dad's house and finally at mom's house. Now that both my parents are gone, the stockings moved with my sister to her new house, initially. But last night, she handed them out to us and we took them home. I don't know why, but I am completely torn up about this. I know my parents are gone. I know this is the first Christmas without mom and our fourth without dad...and I know we're going to miss them. We miss them everyday and holidays are always hard. But I also know that we already have lots of fun family gatherings planned and that they would be so happy that we are so close. So why is that tears trickled down my face as I took this stocking and hung it in my own home?

When Your Job Here is Done

Andy Rooney

I just read that the lovable 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney has died, just a month after signing off the show for the last time. Have you ever noticed that people who are living their destiny die almost immediately after they stop doing it? 

Charles Schulz

The first person who came to mind for me was Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. He died on February 12, 2000. His very last Peanuts cartoon strip, drawn just a few weeks before, ran (as already scheduled to be his last) the next day, February 13, 2000. Prophetic. His job here on earth was done.

Helen Wagner

Helen Wagner, who played Nancy Hughes McClosky on As The World Turns (ATWT), filmed her last scenes for the soap opera in March 2010 and died a few months later in May. Helen holds the distinction of uttering the first words ever spoken on the television version of ATWT, being the one on camera in 1963 when Walter Conkrite interrupted to tell the world that President Kennedy had been shot and is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest run in a single role on television. Coincidentally, the show, one of the longest running soap operas in history, went off the air forever in September 2010.

Steve Jobs

And then, of course, there was Steve Jobs, the infamous founder of Apple. Just six weeks after resigning (albeit to due to illness), died at his home in October 2011.

Amidst all these celebrities, I can’t help but think of my mom, who died at the age of 60 earlier this year. Yes, it was the cancer that ultimately made her stop working. But as she battled it for two years, undergoing chemo, radiation and even surgeries, she continued to work. She worked until September 2010 and died a few months later in January 2011. I still cannot believe she worked up until then. My dad’s story was very similar – not long after he retired is when his cancer was discovered. He, too, fought the disease and continued what I believe was his true calling – being our daddy – right up until the very end.
It’s funny. Most of us dream about the day we can retire and enjoy our lives. It seems like these folks were already enjoying their lives to the fullest and when the joy of doing what they did was taken away, they could just move on to a better place. I guess they’re still living the dream, in that respect. Why stick around on earth when you could be in Heaven, enjoying all that it has to offer?

Being a mommy.

Being a daddy.

Blush and Bashful

Today I emailed my sister and asked her what her favorite color is...we need to know for her Christmas gift(s) and I was being oh-so-sneaky. Ha. Below was her response. I love that she wants to be fair to all the colors of the rainbow!

Q: What's your favorite color?

A: I don't have an ultimate favorite, it's not fair to the other colors. I'll tell you what colors I don't care for… orange unless it's burnt orange, any pastel with the exception of pink. I'm not really all that into browns unless it's a very rich chocolate brown… and I don't like holiday colors together unless it's that holiday and I'm not a fan of pink and purple together for an adult … does that help?

This made me wonder what Pantone named as their color of the year...low and behold, it's Honeysuckle, aka pink! Love it. Then of course I immediately thought of one of the greatest movie quotes of all time: "My colors are blush and bashful, momma!"

And yes, Jill, I purposefully mixed pink and purple together in this blog post! :)

address labels

You know those free address labels charities send you, asking for money? I got some really cute ones with dogs and cats on them and started using them, feeling guilty for not sending them a donation. But I've already donated to the local Humane Society in the last few months, so I reasoned it was ok to use them. Then I realized it...they'd spelled my last name wrong. Like really wrong. It's an entirely different last name! Wow. My proofreading skills sure aren't what they used to be! The worst part is...I've already used and mailed three things with the labels. Moral of the story: proofread everything and don't use labels unless you send in a donation. It's apparently bad kharma!

A Week in the Life

So my sister-in-law stumbled upon a lady who decided to document a week in her life through photos and captions on her blog. We thought the week marking the 10th Anniversary of 9/11 would be a good week to document our own lives. I have a relatively boring life and I don't carry my camera with me every day, so most of these photos were taken with my cell phone and aren't good quality, but I tried to give you a few snap shots of my life. Enjoy!

Sunday 9/11/11

I lit a candle and started watching the 9/11 tribute on Sunday morning. I cried...a lot...as I watched the unveiling of the memorial, the reading of the names, the moments of silence. Then I looked up at the candle I'd lit on my entertainment center and saw HOPE.

Moki: "Coffee table, schmoffee table. This is a cat table!"

Vinnie took a nap while mommy watched 9/11 coverage.









Monday 9/12/11 

Apparently I need lots of motivation to remind me that I'm a good writer at work! 

Laundry time! Oh, how exciting!

















Tuesday 9/13/11

 I love big old trees like this!

There's a homeless man who stands at this corner every day and he always carries his American flag. He was resting under a nearby tree when I snapped this while waiting at the light.






Wednesday 9/14/11

Chairs on parade at my office.

Bad kitties!













Friday 9/16/11

The view...leaving Austin on Friday for a girls weekend/bridal shower in Rockport for our friend Julie.










Saturday 9/17/11

Where else would the shower be on the Texas coast but the Captain's Quarters? :)

                          



   Mmmm...shower cake.

The girls. Jill was channeling her inner chearleader, apparently. :)

Me & Julie at The Sugar Shack...wild and crazy bachelorette party, lemme tell ya. Ha.





Sunday 9/18/11




Leaving Rockport. Until next month!

Thankfully there's a Starbucks in Victoria! Yay!

Guess who drove home and who curled up in the fetal position and slept. ;)