Note from mom

Today when I got home from running errands, I opened my garage door and saw a piece of paper lying on the ground, just inside my garage. The wind kicks up leaves and trash and for some reason, it always ends up right in front of my garage door, so I assumed it was someone else's paper that blew into my garage. I bent down to pick it up and stopped. This was in my mom's handwriting!

I looked around, trying to figure out which box of my mom's stuff, stored in my garage, this piece of paper had escaped from. I couldn't figure it out, nor do I remember ever seeing this note before. My garage is a complete disaster...it's packed to the gills with junk from my mom, dad and my grandparents. Since I live in a one bedroom apartment, I have nowhere else to put anything. But random pieces of paper shouldn't just mysteriously show up.

So the only conclusion I can come to is that my mom wanted me to see this piece of paper today for some reason. I believe that the departed do find ways to speak to us. My sister got a phone call from dad and has been visited by mom several times in dreams. Dad used to hang out with me in my dreams and sometimes I will smell him or my grandma. But this might be the first time my mom has visited me.

Not sure what the significance of this note is. I vividly remember what mom went through in 2009 - and 2010, for that matter. I will never, ever forget it. In fact, I watched the movie My Sister's Keeper on TV last night and cried and cried, remembering all the horrid medical procedures both my parents endured. Maybe it was just the easiest paper for her spirit to find in a box...ha! Maybe it's because my birthday was Saturday...but wait, today is my sister-in-law's birthday. Maybe mom is chuckling right now, knowing that I'm trying to solve the mystery. And maybe one of my cats got into a box when they were in the garage the last time, but then there's still the mystery of how this note made it's way to the front of the garage.

I may never know the answer, but I am thankful that it made me think of my momma and for the smile it brought to my face.

Christmas Stocking

This almost 40-year-old stocking has never been hung at my house before. It's always had a comfortable home next to my brother and sister's stockings at our family house growing up, then at dad's house and finally at mom's house. Now that both my parents are gone, the stockings moved with my sister to her new house, initially. But last night, she handed them out to us and we took them home. I don't know why, but I am completely torn up about this. I know my parents are gone. I know this is the first Christmas without mom and our fourth without dad...and I know we're going to miss them. We miss them everyday and holidays are always hard. But I also know that we already have lots of fun family gatherings planned and that they would be so happy that we are so close. So why is that tears trickled down my face as I took this stocking and hung it in my own home?

Blush and Bashful

Today I emailed my sister and asked her what her favorite color is...we need to know for her Christmas gift(s) and I was being oh-so-sneaky. Ha. Below was her response. I love that she wants to be fair to all the colors of the rainbow!

Q: What's your favorite color?

A: I don't have an ultimate favorite, it's not fair to the other colors. I'll tell you what colors I don't care for… orange unless it's burnt orange, any pastel with the exception of pink. I'm not really all that into browns unless it's a very rich chocolate brown… and I don't like holiday colors together unless it's that holiday and I'm not a fan of pink and purple together for an adult … does that help?

This made me wonder what Pantone named as their color of the year...low and behold, it's Honeysuckle, aka pink! Love it. Then of course I immediately thought of one of the greatest movie quotes of all time: "My colors are blush and bashful, momma!"

And yes, Jill, I purposefully mixed pink and purple together in this blog post! :)

Emails from Beyond

What happens to all the stuff people leave behind when they die? For months, my siblings and I have been sorting through all of mom’s possessions – literally one by one, deciding who wants what. And because my mom died only eight years after her dad (our grandpa lived to be 95), we sorted through all of our grandparents’ things too. We literally found receipts from grandpa’s Texaco station from the 1940s and 50s. I come by my hoarding honestly, let’s just put it that way. It was a painstaking, emotionally and physically draining process.

And then there are things you don’t think about, like mom’s facebook page and email account. This week, her email account was hacked and sent out spam emails to everyone in her list. The first one went to my sister-in-law and it said, "Do you want stop time and be forever young?" and of course referenced a website. My first thought: my mom always said she'd have fun haunting us from beyond. Yep, there was no doubt in my mind, this was mom having a little fun up in Heaven. Then I got an email from her account asking if I wanted to know how to enlarge a certain body part I don’t have. So last night, I logged onto mom’s email, deleted about 4,000 junk emails and changed her password. I also unsubscribed to all the crazy emails she was receiving. I guess we could cancel her email account, but I’m not ready for that just yet. Maybe I’m hoping she can figure out how to send a real email message from Heaven.

Imaginary Friend

I watched a movie tonight where this girl (played by Alyssa Milano) had an imaginary friend as a kid who then came back when she was an adult and was about to marry the wrong person. In true Lifetime Movie Network fashion, she and her imaginary friend fell in love. When I was a kid, I apparently had an imaginary pet flea. I don’t remember this, but my parents told me about it. What are the chances my imaginary pet flea will come back into my life and be marriage material?

Leap of Faith

When my mom died, I became the oldest member of our little branch on the family tree. At 39. It’s a sobering reality. I’m eight years older than my sister and four years older than my brother. I’ve always taken my job as the big sister – and now the matriarch, I guess – very seriously. It’s my job to take care of them, to comfort them, to come to their rescue when needed. But more often than not lately, the roles have reversed and they have taken care of, comforted and rescued me.

These past few months, I have missed my parents like crazy and frankly, I’ve been fighting to keep my head above water. I get out of bed every day and do what I need to do for the most part, but it’s like someone turned the color off the movie and we’re all walking around in black and white. There’ve been some happy moments in there too, but I’ve also really been struggling with some things. Unfortunately, just because I suffered a major loss earlier this year, the world didn’t stop turning. And there are people out there who really just don’t care.

One day last week I was having a particularly bad day and sent a text to my sister about it. What she wrote me back made me burst into tears. Not out of sadness, but because it was true…and I was so proud of her maturity. I’m paraphrasing here, but essentially she told me:

I had an epiphany about your situation this morning. We have the two best guardian angels in Heaven. Nothing bad is going to happen. This stuff is just a sign to take a leap of faith and move on. I felt for awhile that God was working against me, but then I realized it was for a reason!

How did my baby sister (and baby brother) get so smart?

My Lucky Charm

I was feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed yesterday. I’m playing catch up at work after being out dealing with my mom’s passing, plus we are just really, really busy right now. We’re working on some fun things, but all the little details and “to dos” at work and with mom’s estate just seemed to be piling up. I had trouble falling asleep, but once I finally did, I had a dream about my mom. The first one since she died. I was sitting on the couch and she was in her chair and she was talking to me, making me feel better. Then she told me what I really needed was a pill. She stood up (and didn’t have to use a walker!) and walked over to her pill case, something we got really used to seeing in real life. She opened it up and there were all different colored and shaped pills. Come to think of it, they kind of looked like the pill version of Lucky Charms! She handed me the small pink heart-shaped pill and told me it would help me rest. I sure slept hard…and woke up with a smile on my face. Mom’s still there to help me when I really need her.

By his stripes, she is finally healed!

My sister sent this to us this morning and it made me cry. This was, without a doubt, my mom speaking to her. She is finally healed!

Yesterday I downloaded a daily Bible verse app for my phone. I was listening to an audio book that made me think. My mom kept saying she was going through this for a reason and she believed it was to witness to others. So I thought maybe there was some sort of message there for me, so I looked up the two verses that she always referenced. I was a little bummed because there didn't seem to be a hidden message. To be honest after [losing] my dad and now my mom, my faith was very shaken! Well... This of all the verses in the Bible was chosen as today's Bible verse on my new app: But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5

For those of you who spoke with my mom in her last few months, I'm sure you have heard this verse. This verse really inspired her! She would always say, "I am healed, I am healed! By his stripes I am healed!" Until her death we took that very literally but only truly understood it recently.

What we really need is...

Tonight my sister and I were texting back and forth, talking about how overwhelmed we are with everything going on with mom. I said something like, "We really need therapy." My sister responded with, "We need something...I just don't know what." I sent back, "A miracle." And in her most profound words ever, my baby sister responded with, "I'd settle for a good laxative!"

Video Killed the Radio Star

I got to spend some quality time today with my nephew, who just turned 16. I cannot believe he is already 16, taking driver's ed, planning for college, etc. I swear I was just 16, wasn't I? Amazing how time flies. And interesting how things have changed. Here's a conversation we had in the car, listening to the radio:

My nephew: Have you seen this video?

Me: No, I didn't know they actually played videos anymore.

My nephew: Oh, like on TV? No, I meant on the computer... (He went on to tell me that MTV only plays videos at like 1am and 7am now and explained that you have to look them up now on the internet. Yeah, he thinks I'm so old that I don't know that.)

I was 16 in 1988 - MTV and VH1's heyday. At his age, I would spend hours watching videos. So I looked up some videos from 1988 and chuckled because Poison's Every Rose Has It's Thorn was also the first video I downloaded on my iPod many, many years later! I can't wait to see what songs from 2010 he downloads onto whatever version of the iPod we have 22 years from now.

Danny & Annie

If you've known me for long, you know that I love a good story. And a good love story is even better. Tonight I watched the animated short film that was made using StoryCorps recordings of a New York couple named Danny & Annie. Danny wrote Annie a love letter every day they were married. The film chronicles their first recording...and their last. Watch it, but have the Kleenex ready. It made me think about my grandparents. Both sets. My mom's parents were married for 57 years before grandma died. And my dad's parents are still alive and have been married for 67 years. I've asked grandma how they've made it all these years and she just shrugs it off and jokes, "We're just too lazy to do anything about it." But I'm not buying it. I've seen it. I've seen true, long-lasting love. Danny & Annie didn't have as many years together as my grandparents, but they certainly had as much love. May we all be so blessed to find love like this, if even for a little while. (See it here: http://video.pbs.org/video/1568346876)

Happy News!

I am very happy to report that my brother and his girlfriend are now engaged! Woo hoo! They were on vacation in Cancun and on the last night, during a walk on the beach, my brother popped the question! I was a nervous wreck all week, knowing that he planned to do it at some point during the trip, but not knowing when. Finally, the email came through! In it, my future sister-in-law didn’t simply say they were engaged, she said she was gonna be part of our family. I got a little teary eyed. Brother, you chose well. Congratulations you two!

Introducing Moki

One month to the day that I lost Bridget, I brought home a new kitty. She is a teeny-tiny Tortoiseshell cat who was rescued in San Antonio. Moki is a take on the last name of the people who found her and is an alternative spelling for Moqui, the old word for the Hopi Indians. Moki is fiesty and sweet and has already stolen my heart! 

role model

So my nephew has four crazy aunts. No uncles, just aunts. Poor kid. For some reason, my family asked my nephew, "If all your aunts were in the lake drowning, which one would you save?" I wasn't there when they asked, but apparently he answered, without hesitation. He said, "My Aunt Jennifer." When  they asked him why, he said, "Because she's my role model."

That's about all anyone can ever hope for in life, right? To know that someone else looks up to you. Gulp.

Cotton Ball Tears

Tonight the sight of a cotton ball made me cry. It’s been one week since my beautiful, faithful cat Bridget passed away. And she loved to chase cotton balls. So tonight when I reached for a cotton ball to remove my nail polish with, I just started to cry.

Bridget was my companion for nearly 16 years and was right there beside me for all the big moments in life. Cats are very independent and Bridget was probably more independent than most. She would always come love on me at bedtime, but sleep in the closet in her little corner; she never slept on the bed with me – unless I was sick or sad. When my dad died, she slept in the bed with me off and on for about a month. It was like she could sense the nights when I needed her to be there for me.

My friend Shannon brought me Bridget my last semester of college. I took 21 hours that semester and worked full time, so how I was able to raise a kitten I have no idea. I guess that’s why she was so independent. Bridget moved with me 11 times. She never complained, she just moved with me and adapted. She lived with dogs, she lived with teenagers and she even lived in an apartment that didn’t allow pets – all just to be with me, her momma.

She once got stuck in between the kitchen cabinet and the wall – I think I had to take part of the cabinet out to get her out! She used to love to roll around on the concrete patio, especially if it was sunny. I bought her lots of cute cat toys over the years, but she was never very impressed with them. Bridget preferred to play with Q-tips, tampons, twisty ties, milk rings, makeup sponges, rubber bands and hair bands, erasers (she would chew them to bits!) and most of all, cotton balls.

My apartment seems so empty now. It’s amazing how such a small creature had such a large presence. The hardest part is walking into my apartment from the garage. I expect to hear a kitty meow through the door and when I don't, my heart sinks. I get up and walk to another room and instinctively look for her, then I realize she's not there. I cannot believe how much I miss her. It’s left a hole in me, just like when dad died. My cotton ball tears eventually stopped tonight and turned into a smile. I know that my baby’s in a better place, surrounded by as many cotton balls as she could possibly want.

Embrace Life

I wish we could really wrap our arms around our loved ones like this when they're in the midst of life's "crashes."

I love you, Bridget

Today I found out that my almost 16 year cat, Bridget, has a large tumor in her belly. The vet says she won't survive surgery and recommends putting her down soon. I'm not ready. Bridget has been with me since college...we've moved 11 times and have been through lots of changes together. And through it all, she still loves me. And I love her.

School of photography by my dad

I inherited all of my dad's camera equipment and when I finally bought a digital SLR, I went with a Canon so I could use the telephoto lenses from his old Canon 35mm. Sometimes when I take pictures, I could swear dad is looking through those lenses again. He never really sat me down and taught me how to take a photo, but somehow his style rubbed off on me. On my recent trip to Phoenix, these two photos jumped out at me as pure dad-style pictures. And I'm totally in love with both of them. Thank you, daddy.

"He Smiled at Me."

Mom called me yesterday and said, “I think I just saw Jesus on Coyote Trail (the road behind her house)…and he smiled at me." She went on to describe how he looked just like all the drawing and paintings you see of Jesus – long hair, sandals, everything. I kind of laughed at her and told her to call me if Jesus knocked on her door or something. But then mom said something like, “Na, I got what I needed from him – that smile was it.” I got goose bumps immediately.

Mom has been really nervous about what the results of her latest CT scan will show. She’s been taking chemo pills for about two months and we’ll finally find out if they are working. I guess that smile from “Jesus” was just the encouragement and hope she needed right at that moment. Thank you, Jesus.

Mini Bar

So my mom, sister and our friend Janie are vacationing in Seattle this week. Today, the hotel housekeeper, holding a basket of goodies, asks mom, "Are you using the mini bar?" And mom tells her yes. "Can I see it?" the housekeeper asks. Mom exclaims, "No!" and closes the door on her. Apparently mom thought the "mini bar" was the small bar of soap in the bathroom! I kid you not, folks. That's Ruby, my momma! ;)