Imaginary Friend

I watched a movie tonight where this girl (played by Alyssa Milano) had an imaginary friend as a kid who then came back when she was an adult and was about to marry the wrong person. In true Lifetime Movie Network fashion, she and her imaginary friend fell in love. When I was a kid, I apparently had an imaginary pet flea. I don’t remember this, but my parents told me about it. What are the chances my imaginary pet flea will come back into my life and be marriage material?

Praying for a Miracle

It's been awhile since I've blogged. To say I've been busy is an understatement. When I look back on this time in my life, I wonder what parts of it I will remember. Hopefully the good parts, not the stressful, painful parts that seem to be the norm right now. 

I wrote the paragraph below on my cell phone, while lying in a bed in my cousin's house in Houston with my mom the day after we visited MD Anderson for the first time. We'd reached the end of our treatment options in Austin and we were hoping for good news. We didn't get it, not really. MD Anderson, known for not believing in the world terminal, told us that her cancer is terminal. We were devastated. But, there was a tiny glimmer of hope - a clinical trial that has already helped several other women with the exact same rare form of breast cancer that mom has. They were clear that there's still no cure, but they were excited about the results they'd seen so far in the trial. We left Houston the next day, not knowing yet if mom would be accepted into the clinical trial.

September 20, 2010: I'm lying here thinking that this might be the last time I ever share a bed with my mom. Funny how I don't mind that her leg has meandered over into my space or that her pointy elbow is dangerously close to my head. She's moaning and snoring and it sounds beautiful to me. I wish she was talking in her sleep like she was last night. I wish I could bottle up these special times with her and make them last longer. I wish I could take back every fight I've ever had with her. I'll stop typing now to pray for a miracle.

Danny & Annie

If you've known me for long, you know that I love a good story. And a good love story is even better. Tonight I watched the animated short film that was made using StoryCorps recordings of a New York couple named Danny & Annie. Danny wrote Annie a love letter every day they were married. The film chronicles their first recording...and their last. Watch it, but have the Kleenex ready. It made me think about my grandparents. Both sets. My mom's parents were married for 57 years before grandma died. And my dad's parents are still alive and have been married for 67 years. I've asked grandma how they've made it all these years and she just shrugs it off and jokes, "We're just too lazy to do anything about it." But I'm not buying it. I've seen it. I've seen true, long-lasting love. Danny & Annie didn't have as many years together as my grandparents, but they certainly had as much love. May we all be so blessed to find love like this, if even for a little while. (See it here: http://video.pbs.org/video/1568346876)

Green with Envy

This week I got a reminder that things are not always what they seem. About six-seven years ago I worked with a group of fantastically talented girls, all a little younger than me. It was a great team – very energetic, creative and innovative. We became friends and we had a lot of fun working together. Eventually, we all moved on to bigger and better things. And I watched as each one of these ladies fell in love and got married (with the exception of one who was already married to the love of her life), had babies and/or puppies, moved into beautiful homes, traveled to exotic locations, and watched their careers flourish. As happy as I am for all of them, I have to admit that I have been childishly jealous. I’m not knocking my life, but look at it on paper – city government employee who is underpaid and hasn’t gotten a raise in several years, lives alone in a 650 sq ft apartment with her cat, in debt up to my eyeballs and sporting really bad credit, still single (but still looking) and driving around in a five year old car (that I still love) and my big vacation this year is to Omaha, Nebraska! (However, I am going to Omaha to see a dear friend I haven’t seen in years and I am very excited about it…it’s just not Tuscany, ya know?)

I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others and I know I’m not supposed to be jealous, but I guess it’s human nature. These girls work their butts off, they deserve every bit of happiness and success, so don’t get me wrong…I love all of them and I am so happy for them, but let’s face it, I was green with envy. I’ve also been comparing myself to former classmates as my 20-year high school reunion is coming up. I guess I’m just in a period of self-reflection. I think I’ve just been going through the motions, especially these last few years. There was dad’s cancer…and then he died which really through me for a loop. I was in a fog for at least a year. And since January 2009, there’s been mom’s cancer battle. Sure, there’s been other stuff in there, but if I had to tell you what I’ve been doing for the last 20 years, it would be hard to say. I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I’ve never been married, I don’t have any kids…heck, I don’t even own a home. But on the other hand, I’ve also never been divorced, never had to worry that my kid was going to make the wrong choice, and I’ve never had my home taken away from me…ha! How’s that for putting a positive spin on things?

Back to that reminder I got this week. I found out that one of my friends’ parents split up after almost 40 years of marriage. Her dad, who had just weeks before toasted her and her husband on their one year wedding anniversary, had been cheating on her mom with a woman he met in a class. Her parents were both retired and they were supposed to be in their golden years, traveling and enjoying life. And then, POW! Life changed. My parents were divorced after 23 years of marriage…I was in college and it was painful, but thank God nothing like what my friend is going through. It was a reality check for me. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for not making as much money, not living in a nice big house, not being married, not being able to travel. But I would much rather not have all those things then to have to go through what their family is going through right now.

I am going to try to remember that everyone has a cross to bear. No matter how lucky you think they might be, we all have terrible, traumatic events happen in our lives. And a big fancy house or a big fancy job won’t solve that. My heart goes out to my friend and her family. I can only imagine the pain and confusion they are feeling right now.

Introducing Moki

One month to the day that I lost Bridget, I brought home a new kitty. She is a teeny-tiny Tortoiseshell cat who was rescued in San Antonio. Moki is a take on the last name of the people who found her and is an alternative spelling for Moqui, the old word for the Hopi Indians. Moki is fiesty and sweet and has already stolen my heart! 

Heart-shaped world

When I saw this picture today of some birds affected by the BP Oil Spill/Disaster, I immediately saw a heart. Wouldn't it be nice if "All You Need is Love" would fix this mess? In my rose-colored glasses dream fantasy world, love would be able to fix it.

role model

So my nephew has four crazy aunts. No uncles, just aunts. Poor kid. For some reason, my family asked my nephew, "If all your aunts were in the lake drowning, which one would you save?" I wasn't there when they asked, but apparently he answered, without hesitation. He said, "My Aunt Jennifer." When  they asked him why, he said, "Because she's my role model."

That's about all anyone can ever hope for in life, right? To know that someone else looks up to you. Gulp.

Peace Prayer

I think this is beautiful...came across it tonight and really needed to read it...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

~ St. Francis of Assisi

Cotton Ball Tears

Tonight the sight of a cotton ball made me cry. It’s been one week since my beautiful, faithful cat Bridget passed away. And she loved to chase cotton balls. So tonight when I reached for a cotton ball to remove my nail polish with, I just started to cry.

Bridget was my companion for nearly 16 years and was right there beside me for all the big moments in life. Cats are very independent and Bridget was probably more independent than most. She would always come love on me at bedtime, but sleep in the closet in her little corner; she never slept on the bed with me – unless I was sick or sad. When my dad died, she slept in the bed with me off and on for about a month. It was like she could sense the nights when I needed her to be there for me.

My friend Shannon brought me Bridget my last semester of college. I took 21 hours that semester and worked full time, so how I was able to raise a kitten I have no idea. I guess that’s why she was so independent. Bridget moved with me 11 times. She never complained, she just moved with me and adapted. She lived with dogs, she lived with teenagers and she even lived in an apartment that didn’t allow pets – all just to be with me, her momma.

She once got stuck in between the kitchen cabinet and the wall – I think I had to take part of the cabinet out to get her out! She used to love to roll around on the concrete patio, especially if it was sunny. I bought her lots of cute cat toys over the years, but she was never very impressed with them. Bridget preferred to play with Q-tips, tampons, twisty ties, milk rings, makeup sponges, rubber bands and hair bands, erasers (she would chew them to bits!) and most of all, cotton balls.

My apartment seems so empty now. It’s amazing how such a small creature had such a large presence. The hardest part is walking into my apartment from the garage. I expect to hear a kitty meow through the door and when I don't, my heart sinks. I get up and walk to another room and instinctively look for her, then I realize she's not there. I cannot believe how much I miss her. It’s left a hole in me, just like when dad died. My cotton ball tears eventually stopped tonight and turned into a smile. I know that my baby’s in a better place, surrounded by as many cotton balls as she could possibly want.

Embrace Life

I wish we could really wrap our arms around our loved ones like this when they're in the midst of life's "crashes."

I love you, Bridget

Today I found out that my almost 16 year cat, Bridget, has a large tumor in her belly. The vet says she won't survive surgery and recommends putting her down soon. I'm not ready. Bridget has been with me since college...we've moved 11 times and have been through lots of changes together. And through it all, she still loves me. And I love her.

School of photography by my dad

I inherited all of my dad's camera equipment and when I finally bought a digital SLR, I went with a Canon so I could use the telephoto lenses from his old Canon 35mm. Sometimes when I take pictures, I could swear dad is looking through those lenses again. He never really sat me down and taught me how to take a photo, but somehow his style rubbed off on me. On my recent trip to Phoenix, these two photos jumped out at me as pure dad-style pictures. And I'm totally in love with both of them. Thank you, daddy.

Rachelle & Russell

 
One of my goals in 2010 is to FINALLY buy a digital SLR camera and start taking photos on the side. I've always loved photography and this is the year! So I started things off right...today I borrowed friend Rachelle's Nikon to take photos of her and her fiance, Russell. They're recently engaged and you can tell that they are in love by the way they look at each other. So sweet. Here are just a few of my favorites from today's photo session...

Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Today would have been my Grandpa Doerfler’s 102nd birthday! He passed away about six years ago, but it seems like much longer. I miss him every day, he was quite the character! I recently wrote something about him, his family and the house they lived in for a Parade of Homes in Pflugerville, my hometown. Thought I’d share it with you…enjoy! Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Bernhardt (Bernie) Otto Doerfler was born December 9, 1907 and married Minnie Sophie Wernli on July 22, 1936. They were parents to two children – Steve and Ruby – and had 10 grandchildren and numerous great grandchildren. In 1962, the Doerflers moved into their new red brick house at 301 South 5th Street in Pflugerville.

Built by a fellow Pflugerville resident, the house sat on more than two acres of plush, green land. Bernie wasted no time planting pecan and oak trees. He was also fond of concrete yard art animals and over the years, he placed statues of deer, chickens, frogs, etc. in his yard. At one point, he had a concrete water fall, a totem poll, a swing and a string of lights in his yard. Known to some as “Doerfler Park,” Bernie’s yard was his pride and joy. He knew every inch of it by heart and continued to mow it with his bright green John Deere riding lawnmower well into his 80s, even after losing his sight to macular degeneration.

Bernie was one of eight children born to John Gottlieb Doerfler and Mary Wuthrich Doerfler, who settled in Pflugerville in 1899. Bernie’s grandparents were Pastor Johann (John) Doerfler, who was born in Germany in 1844, and Salome Schwander, who was born in 1849 in France. Salome arrived in Chicago in 1873 and moved to Texas in 1875; John came to Texas in 1874 and was ordained as a Pastor in 1876. Pastor John Doerfler led the congregation at Zion Lutheran Church in Arneckeville, TX. Apparently, Pastor John and Salome met in Pflugerville while attending a church service, so Pflugerville played an important role in the John Doerfler family. They spent early years in Arneckeville, then moved on to churches in other small Texas towns – Ross Prairie, Temple, Taylor, Walburg and Bartlett. Pastor John retired and the family moved to a farm near Granger, TX. John and Salome built a house in Weir, TX in 1908; most of their children lived near the homestead in Weir, except for John and Mary (Bernie’s parents), who settled in Pflugerville.

The Doerflers were early Lutheran missionaries in Texas. Several of Bernie’s brothers were Lutheran pastors and he served as an elder at Immanuel Lutheran Church in Pflugerville for years. Bernie could recite Bible verses, word for word, and taught himself to play Lutheran hymns on an organ when he was in his 70s. Bernie attended Texas Lutheran College in Seguin and coached the women’s basketball team after graduation.

After marrying Minnie, they settled in Pflugerville, and Bernie worked as a Texaco consignee for over 40 years. He operated three Texaco stations in the Austin area, including one at the corner of Pecan and Railroad in Pflugerville, currently the site of a Shell gas station. Minnie worked as a bookkeeper at the Pflugerville Texaco,until taking a job with the Texas Comptroller’s Office. The Doerflers even named their dog “Tex,” and called him a Texaco mascot.

After retiring from Texaco, Bernie worked as a Bailiff in the 261st District Court at the Travis County Courthouse. He retired in his 80s because Minnie’s health had declined and he needed to be home to care for her. Minnie passed away in November 1993. They were married for 57 years.

Bernie continued to live by himself in his home until the last three years of his life. Caregivers were hired, but eventually his daughter Ruby retired from the state herself and moved in with him, caring for him until his death in April 2003 at the age of 95.

Reminiscing the High Spots

A few years after my Grandpa D passed away, my mom made the decision to move out of his house. (She had lived there with him the last few years of his life, caring for him.) When we packed up the house, we found this letter that I've typed in below that Grandpa had written to Grandma at some point. I wish it was dated. Judging by his handwriting, it was written before I was born. So it’s old. ;)

We were all so fortunate to have had him in our lives for so long. Grandpa lived to be 95 years old, surviving many years after grandma passed away. They were married for 57 years when grandma died. She was the love of his life. Grandpa was one of the greatest characters I’ve ever known. (Actually all of my grandparents are great characters!) He was short and probably weighed 120 pounds at his heaviest, but he had a very big presence. He worked for Texaco well into his senior years, then became a Bailiff at the Travis County courthouse, working until Glaucoma took his eyesight at about the age of 88.

He was known for his one acre, meticulously cared for, plush green yard and was a notorious flirt. But he was also a very religious man – he could tell you where to find any verse in the Bible. He prayed every single night (out loud) and always included people most of us would be cursing rather than praying for. Instead of saying “thank you,” he would say, “bless you.” And he would say it to everyone. So I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising that this letter he wrote is so sappy. I have to say that if I received a letter like this from a man in today’s world, I would roll my eyes and ask him what his real motive was. It’s sad, but true. People don’t write letters anymore. It’s a lost art. So, to celebrate Grandma & Grandpa’s love and the art of writing letters, here it is:

Dearest:

After reminiscing the high spots of this last year, I find there is only one outstanding fact, (that’s you). I’ve found my happiness in you; and now at Christmastime I feel like I ought to do everything a man can do, for you. However I have chosen the shortest and most pleasant method of showing my appreciation and affection. Dearest, this little gift, I call it little because I’m comparing my love for you to this gift and I find the gift short. Therefore increase its quantity billions and billions of times and you have only a fifth of my love for you.

Now let me add that this gift isn’t how I value your Love either because no gift can recompense your love but let this be a slight indication of how I value your Love and Minnie Dearest, I pray God that our Love shall ever increase, never die, and that we shall grow to a more Devine, and more human understanding. May God give us happiness forever.

Dearest I hope you will be able to use this traveling case occasionally and that you may benefit by possessing it. I give you this with all my Love.

Affectionately yours forever,
Bernie

All because two people fell in love...

I love this story that ran on NBC last night and this morning about the iconic Woodstock couple featured on the soundtrack album from Woodstock.

Hide-n-Seek

So tonight on my walk, I walked past three little boys playing hide-n-seek. They were having such a good time it brought a smile to my face. I started wondering why we don't play hide-n-seek after we grow up. Then it hit me...we do! Or at least it could be a really good excuse for why I still haven't found someone to spend my life with. He's probably just still playing hide-n-seek! How exactly did that game end again?

my last piece of gum

Last night as we were finishing dinner, my brother's girlfriend got out a pack of gum with one last piece in it. Without even exchanging words, she split it in half and handed a piece to my brother, then chewed her piece. I couldn't help but smile because I realized that's what I'm looking for -- someone to share my last piece of gum with.

Woman With a Plan

Oh yeah, I’m sure this lady has all sorts of problems finding men…I really should feel more compassion for her since she is so hideous...shame on me.
Photo credit: Statesman.com

Natural High

So I've never been a big fan of country music, but the oldies but goodies always get me. I just heard "Natural High" by Merle Haggard. I'm now obsessed with this song. Simple, but beautiful...says what it needs to say. Love me some Merle Haggard.

Natural High (1985)

You stayed with me through thick and thin,
Watched me lose, you watched me win.
You picked me up off of the ground.
You never one time let me down.
And you put me on a natural high,
And I can fly, I can fly.
I was drowning in a sea of make-believe,
As helpless as a falling leaf.
You gave your hand to me that day,
And you did it, 'cos you're made that way.
And you put me on a natural high,
And I can fly, I can fly.

Instrumental break.

You always seem to let your feelings show,
You love me and you let me know.
Darling just remember these three words:
I love you, I love you.
And you put me on a natural high,
And I can fly, I can fly.

And you put me on a natural high,
And I can fly, I can fly.