Praying for a Miracle

It's been awhile since I've blogged. To say I've been busy is an understatement. When I look back on this time in my life, I wonder what parts of it I will remember. Hopefully the good parts, not the stressful, painful parts that seem to be the norm right now. 

I wrote the paragraph below on my cell phone, while lying in a bed in my cousin's house in Houston with my mom the day after we visited MD Anderson for the first time. We'd reached the end of our treatment options in Austin and we were hoping for good news. We didn't get it, not really. MD Anderson, known for not believing in the world terminal, told us that her cancer is terminal. We were devastated. But, there was a tiny glimmer of hope - a clinical trial that has already helped several other women with the exact same rare form of breast cancer that mom has. They were clear that there's still no cure, but they were excited about the results they'd seen so far in the trial. We left Houston the next day, not knowing yet if mom would be accepted into the clinical trial.

September 20, 2010: I'm lying here thinking that this might be the last time I ever share a bed with my mom. Funny how I don't mind that her leg has meandered over into my space or that her pointy elbow is dangerously close to my head. She's moaning and snoring and it sounds beautiful to me. I wish she was talking in her sleep like she was last night. I wish I could bottle up these special times with her and make them last longer. I wish I could take back every fight I've ever had with her. I'll stop typing now to pray for a miracle.