Note from mom

Today when I got home from running errands, I opened my garage door and saw a piece of paper lying on the ground, just inside my garage. The wind kicks up leaves and trash and for some reason, it always ends up right in front of my garage door, so I assumed it was someone else's paper that blew into my garage. I bent down to pick it up and stopped. This was in my mom's handwriting!

I looked around, trying to figure out which box of my mom's stuff, stored in my garage, this piece of paper had escaped from. I couldn't figure it out, nor do I remember ever seeing this note before. My garage is a complete disaster...it's packed to the gills with junk from my mom, dad and my grandparents. Since I live in a one bedroom apartment, I have nowhere else to put anything. But random pieces of paper shouldn't just mysteriously show up.

So the only conclusion I can come to is that my mom wanted me to see this piece of paper today for some reason. I believe that the departed do find ways to speak to us. My sister got a phone call from dad and has been visited by mom several times in dreams. Dad used to hang out with me in my dreams and sometimes I will smell him or my grandma. But this might be the first time my mom has visited me.

Not sure what the significance of this note is. I vividly remember what mom went through in 2009 - and 2010, for that matter. I will never, ever forget it. In fact, I watched the movie My Sister's Keeper on TV last night and cried and cried, remembering all the horrid medical procedures both my parents endured. Maybe it was just the easiest paper for her spirit to find in a box...ha! Maybe it's because my birthday was Saturday...but wait, today is my sister-in-law's birthday. Maybe mom is chuckling right now, knowing that I'm trying to solve the mystery. And maybe one of my cats got into a box when they were in the garage the last time, but then there's still the mystery of how this note made it's way to the front of the garage.

I may never know the answer, but I am thankful that it made me think of my momma and for the smile it brought to my face.

Christmas Stocking

This almost 40-year-old stocking has never been hung at my house before. It's always had a comfortable home next to my brother and sister's stockings at our family house growing up, then at dad's house and finally at mom's house. Now that both my parents are gone, the stockings moved with my sister to her new house, initially. But last night, she handed them out to us and we took them home. I don't know why, but I am completely torn up about this. I know my parents are gone. I know this is the first Christmas without mom and our fourth without dad...and I know we're going to miss them. We miss them everyday and holidays are always hard. But I also know that we already have lots of fun family gatherings planned and that they would be so happy that we are so close. So why is that tears trickled down my face as I took this stocking and hung it in my own home?

When Your Job Here is Done

Andy Rooney

I just read that the lovable 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney has died, just a month after signing off the show for the last time. Have you ever noticed that people who are living their destiny die almost immediately after they stop doing it? 

Charles Schulz

The first person who came to mind for me was Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. He died on February 12, 2000. His very last Peanuts cartoon strip, drawn just a few weeks before, ran (as already scheduled to be his last) the next day, February 13, 2000. Prophetic. His job here on earth was done.

Helen Wagner

Helen Wagner, who played Nancy Hughes McClosky on As The World Turns (ATWT), filmed her last scenes for the soap opera in March 2010 and died a few months later in May. Helen holds the distinction of uttering the first words ever spoken on the television version of ATWT, being the one on camera in 1963 when Walter Conkrite interrupted to tell the world that President Kennedy had been shot and is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest run in a single role on television. Coincidentally, the show, one of the longest running soap operas in history, went off the air forever in September 2010.

Steve Jobs

And then, of course, there was Steve Jobs, the infamous founder of Apple. Just six weeks after resigning (albeit to due to illness), died at his home in October 2011.

Amidst all these celebrities, I can’t help but think of my mom, who died at the age of 60 earlier this year. Yes, it was the cancer that ultimately made her stop working. But as she battled it for two years, undergoing chemo, radiation and even surgeries, she continued to work. She worked until September 2010 and died a few months later in January 2011. I still cannot believe she worked up until then. My dad’s story was very similar – not long after he retired is when his cancer was discovered. He, too, fought the disease and continued what I believe was his true calling – being our daddy – right up until the very end.
It’s funny. Most of us dream about the day we can retire and enjoy our lives. It seems like these folks were already enjoying their lives to the fullest and when the joy of doing what they did was taken away, they could just move on to a better place. I guess they’re still living the dream, in that respect. Why stick around on earth when you could be in Heaven, enjoying all that it has to offer?

Being a mommy.

Being a daddy.

Emails from Beyond

What happens to all the stuff people leave behind when they die? For months, my siblings and I have been sorting through all of mom’s possessions – literally one by one, deciding who wants what. And because my mom died only eight years after her dad (our grandpa lived to be 95), we sorted through all of our grandparents’ things too. We literally found receipts from grandpa’s Texaco station from the 1940s and 50s. I come by my hoarding honestly, let’s just put it that way. It was a painstaking, emotionally and physically draining process.

And then there are things you don’t think about, like mom’s facebook page and email account. This week, her email account was hacked and sent out spam emails to everyone in her list. The first one went to my sister-in-law and it said, "Do you want stop time and be forever young?" and of course referenced a website. My first thought: my mom always said she'd have fun haunting us from beyond. Yep, there was no doubt in my mind, this was mom having a little fun up in Heaven. Then I got an email from her account asking if I wanted to know how to enlarge a certain body part I don’t have. So last night, I logged onto mom’s email, deleted about 4,000 junk emails and changed her password. I also unsubscribed to all the crazy emails she was receiving. I guess we could cancel her email account, but I’m not ready for that just yet. Maybe I’m hoping she can figure out how to send a real email message from Heaven.

Leap of Faith

When my mom died, I became the oldest member of our little branch on the family tree. At 39. It’s a sobering reality. I’m eight years older than my sister and four years older than my brother. I’ve always taken my job as the big sister – and now the matriarch, I guess – very seriously. It’s my job to take care of them, to comfort them, to come to their rescue when needed. But more often than not lately, the roles have reversed and they have taken care of, comforted and rescued me.

These past few months, I have missed my parents like crazy and frankly, I’ve been fighting to keep my head above water. I get out of bed every day and do what I need to do for the most part, but it’s like someone turned the color off the movie and we’re all walking around in black and white. There’ve been some happy moments in there too, but I’ve also really been struggling with some things. Unfortunately, just because I suffered a major loss earlier this year, the world didn’t stop turning. And there are people out there who really just don’t care.

One day last week I was having a particularly bad day and sent a text to my sister about it. What she wrote me back made me burst into tears. Not out of sadness, but because it was true…and I was so proud of her maturity. I’m paraphrasing here, but essentially she told me:

I had an epiphany about your situation this morning. We have the two best guardian angels in Heaven. Nothing bad is going to happen. This stuff is just a sign to take a leap of faith and move on. I felt for awhile that God was working against me, but then I realized it was for a reason!

How did my baby sister (and baby brother) get so smart?

My Lucky Charm

I was feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed yesterday. I’m playing catch up at work after being out dealing with my mom’s passing, plus we are just really, really busy right now. We’re working on some fun things, but all the little details and “to dos” at work and with mom’s estate just seemed to be piling up. I had trouble falling asleep, but once I finally did, I had a dream about my mom. The first one since she died. I was sitting on the couch and she was in her chair and she was talking to me, making me feel better. Then she told me what I really needed was a pill. She stood up (and didn’t have to use a walker!) and walked over to her pill case, something we got really used to seeing in real life. She opened it up and there were all different colored and shaped pills. Come to think of it, they kind of looked like the pill version of Lucky Charms! She handed me the small pink heart-shaped pill and told me it would help me rest. I sure slept hard…and woke up with a smile on my face. Mom’s still there to help me when I really need her.

By his stripes, she is finally healed!

My sister sent this to us this morning and it made me cry. This was, without a doubt, my mom speaking to her. She is finally healed!

Yesterday I downloaded a daily Bible verse app for my phone. I was listening to an audio book that made me think. My mom kept saying she was going through this for a reason and she believed it was to witness to others. So I thought maybe there was some sort of message there for me, so I looked up the two verses that she always referenced. I was a little bummed because there didn't seem to be a hidden message. To be honest after [losing] my dad and now my mom, my faith was very shaken! Well... This of all the verses in the Bible was chosen as today's Bible verse on my new app: But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5

For those of you who spoke with my mom in her last few months, I'm sure you have heard this verse. This verse really inspired her! She would always say, "I am healed, I am healed! By his stripes I am healed!" Until her death we took that very literally but only truly understood it recently.

Ruby's Final Moment

I haven't even had much time to process it yet, much less blog about it, but my mom lost her courageous battle with cancer on Friday. We are still in shock and already miss her like crazy. We're overwhelmed by the love and support people are showing us. My mom was a special lady and will be missed. The following is an email her longtime friend Janie Cortez wrote. It's a beautiful and honest tribute to my mom and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Hello everyone.  I have some sad news.  My Good Friend Ruby Herber died Friday Jan. 21, 2011 at 2:15 in the morning.

I talked to her on Wednesday afternoon.  Her words were "I am back."  She had gotten real sick during the weekend with pneumonia but since the tumors on her lungs had grown so much they could not tell.  My lovely friend was always so hopeful.  When she called me on Wednesday, she said she was eating really good and her daughter Jill was going to fix her steak for supper. 

Then on Thursday morning, I checked my phone and Jill and Jenn, her daughters, had called me to tell me Ruby was in the emergency room at the hospital and they were not sure she would make it this time.  I put on some clothes and drove like a crazy to Scott & White in Round Rock, hoping to talk to her again one more time. I prayed all the way there.  I thank God she could still talk to me when I ran in the emergency room.  I was crying out loud at her bedside and she said, "It’s ok, I am ready.”  I told her that she had taught me so much and she said, “No, you have taught me.”  What I wanted to say was that she taught me so much about her Faith in God, even in all the suffering she had experienced.  She was always reading her Bible and sharing her findings. 

I met Ruby when she came to work at Teacher Retirement sometime in the 70s.  We were both married with children (babies).  She was such a genuine person, so full of love and joy and everyday was an adventure for us.  I would see her at break time, both morning and afternoon and lunch.  We would talk about our children and husbands and life itself.  We became such good friends in the difficult times and the good times. Some of the difficult times were when we lost our parents and when Ruby went in search of her birth mother. Ruby was adopted as a small child.  There was also Ruby's divorce from David. I also spent the day with her when David died of cancer about four years ago.  Now these are the times when we knew we were like sisters.  We never cared about the color of our skin but the love that we had for each other.  My sisters would tease me and tell me that Ruby was not my sister.  I talk to them about her all the time. 

Because I am such a serious person at times, I was drawn to Ruby for a friend.  She was always so full of adventure.  Sometimes I did not want to tell my husband Andrew of the crazy things we talked about and the adventures we planned.  A week after Ruby's dad died, we drove to Fort Collins, Colorado to visit my daughter Andrea.  Andrea took us hiking in the snow-covered mountains and I remember Ruby started sliding down the mountain.  I kept telling her to look out for the trees but she would head for each tree and hold on from tree to tree.  We laughed so much afterwards.  On that same trip Andrea took us to a music concert and Ruby bought a huge black hat for the concert.  I have no idea why.  And she wore it to the concert and probably blocked the view for a couple of people behind us.  We laughed about that too.  We were always laughing.  It did not matter how foolish we looked.  I remember all the times we would just meet for breakfast on Saturday morning.  We would sit there and talk for at least 2 or 3 hours.  We would try to meet up once a month but most of the time it was two or three months. 

Ruby gave me a little pillow for my birthday, which has written on it:

Strong Women: May we know them,

may we raise them,

may we be them.

Ruby you were a strong woman, we raised two strong daughters each (and you also raised a strong son), and because of you I will try to be a strong woman now that you have left me. 

What we really need is...

Tonight my sister and I were texting back and forth, talking about how overwhelmed we are with everything going on with mom. I said something like, "We really need therapy." My sister responded with, "We need something...I just don't know what." I sent back, "A miracle." And in her most profound words ever, my baby sister responded with, "I'd settle for a good laxative!"

Praying for a Miracle

It's been awhile since I've blogged. To say I've been busy is an understatement. When I look back on this time in my life, I wonder what parts of it I will remember. Hopefully the good parts, not the stressful, painful parts that seem to be the norm right now. 

I wrote the paragraph below on my cell phone, while lying in a bed in my cousin's house in Houston with my mom the day after we visited MD Anderson for the first time. We'd reached the end of our treatment options in Austin and we were hoping for good news. We didn't get it, not really. MD Anderson, known for not believing in the world terminal, told us that her cancer is terminal. We were devastated. But, there was a tiny glimmer of hope - a clinical trial that has already helped several other women with the exact same rare form of breast cancer that mom has. They were clear that there's still no cure, but they were excited about the results they'd seen so far in the trial. We left Houston the next day, not knowing yet if mom would be accepted into the clinical trial.

September 20, 2010: I'm lying here thinking that this might be the last time I ever share a bed with my mom. Funny how I don't mind that her leg has meandered over into my space or that her pointy elbow is dangerously close to my head. She's moaning and snoring and it sounds beautiful to me. I wish she was talking in her sleep like she was last night. I wish I could bottle up these special times with her and make them last longer. I wish I could take back every fight I've ever had with her. I'll stop typing now to pray for a miracle.

"He Smiled at Me."

Mom called me yesterday and said, “I think I just saw Jesus on Coyote Trail (the road behind her house)…and he smiled at me." She went on to describe how he looked just like all the drawing and paintings you see of Jesus – long hair, sandals, everything. I kind of laughed at her and told her to call me if Jesus knocked on her door or something. But then mom said something like, “Na, I got what I needed from him – that smile was it.” I got goose bumps immediately.

Mom has been really nervous about what the results of her latest CT scan will show. She’s been taking chemo pills for about two months and we’ll finally find out if they are working. I guess that smile from “Jesus” was just the encouragement and hope she needed right at that moment. Thank you, Jesus.

Mini Bar

So my mom, sister and our friend Janie are vacationing in Seattle this week. Today, the hotel housekeeper, holding a basket of goodies, asks mom, "Are you using the mini bar?" And mom tells her yes. "Can I see it?" the housekeeper asks. Mom exclaims, "No!" and closes the door on her. Apparently mom thought the "mini bar" was the small bar of soap in the bathroom! I kid you not, folks. That's Ruby, my momma! ;)

We raced for the Cure

Last Friday we found out that my mom's breast cancer is back. This time in her lungs. Two days later, we walked in the Race for the Cure on a team named in her honor, Uby's Boobies. I have so many emotions and fears running through me right now, but I'd rather focus on the positive and fun experience we all had at the Race. I think it boosted mom's spirits...and I hope it will help her fight Round 2 with as much strength and grace as she did last time. Love you, momma.

Rainbows in the Clouds

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope.” – Maya Angelou

I can't sleep on a Saturday night because I have either really bad allergies or the beginnings of a cold. So I logged onto Twitter. I noticed that "Maya Angelou" was a trending topic and gasped. No, no, no! Please don't tell me that something has happened to my beloved Maya Angelou! I immediately went into super search mode and discovered that she was taken to the hospital for unknown reasons sometime on Saturday. I also found some tweets that say she is ok, but you never know what to believe. So my thoughts & prayers are with Maya Angelou…I pray that she will be ok. And I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to see her speak in person at my alma mater, West Texas A&M University, about six months ago.

I was so moved by her words, but surprisingly, I don’t think I ever wrote about the experience. Maya talked about the importance of finding “rainbows in the clouds.” She marveled at how just a few years ago, she would not have even been allowed to attend a school like WT and now here they were, inviting her to be their honored guest. Then she said, “This University is a rainbow in the clouds.” That’s when my tears started flowing. I don’t think they stopped the entire time she spoke. Her words were just so eloquent, so profound…and Maya just glows on stage. She IS greatness. We are all truly blessed by her presence here on Earth. SHE is a rainbow in the clouds.

- - -

Yesterday my mom had a CT scan because she has completed all of her chemo and radiation and has done well after mastectomy surgery. About 7pm, she received a call from her oncologist, telling her that they found nodules on her lungs. Crap, crap, crap. He said that it could be simply inflammation, but it could also be cancer again. Next week she will undergo a PET scan and maybe a biopsy. My first reaction was extreme anger at cancer and total and complete fear. I REFUSE to lose another parent to cancer. This is NOT cancer. It can’t be. I’m still scared out of my mind, but I’ve steeled myself for the fight, whatever it entails. And I’m keeping my eye out for rainbows in the clouds.

My mom, the rock star continued

Quick update on my mom for those who follow my blog. She is doing really well. It's been a week and two days since her mastectomy and she hasn't taken pain meds for days. She's up moving around, sweeping, loading & unloading the dishwasher, even watering plants outside. She tires easily, but that's to be expected. Her hair is growing like crazy and it's coming in this beautiful, shiny white color. She seems to be healing nicely and she has a great attitude. God must pick people carefully to give the challenge of breast cancer because she has been such a trouper! I had no idea she had this kind of strength in her. I knew she was an awesome mom, but seriously, she is amazing! I pray that I have half her strength if I ever need it.

My mom, the rock star

My mom is a rock star. How come I never knew before how strong she is?

From the hospital...

Mom's in her hospital room, still sleeping. She looks good. Watched the nurse empty the drain & it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Incision looks good according to the medical people, but terrible to me. It's a barbaric surgery. I just pray that all the cancer is gone!

Out of surgery!

They just finished mom's surgery & she went through it great! She's in recovery & then will go to a room soon. Thank God!

Headed into surgery...

Mom just went into surgery. She's in good spirits, already making jokes & everything. I have lots of confidence in her medical team...they are all very nice and good at what they do.

Before the hospital...

I have so many things I need to blog about, but I've been so busy! Today is my mom's mastectomy surgery. She has been so brave through her chemo treatments & I know that she will do well in surgery & recovery too. I can tell my mom is nervous, but she even got up and cleaned out the fridge this morning! 6:48 a.m. and almost time to leave for the hospital. Prayers, please.