When Your Job Here is Done

Andy Rooney

I just read that the lovable 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney has died, just a month after signing off the show for the last time. Have you ever noticed that people who are living their destiny die almost immediately after they stop doing it? 

Charles Schulz

The first person who came to mind for me was Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. He died on February 12, 2000. His very last Peanuts cartoon strip, drawn just a few weeks before, ran (as already scheduled to be his last) the next day, February 13, 2000. Prophetic. His job here on earth was done.

Helen Wagner

Helen Wagner, who played Nancy Hughes McClosky on As The World Turns (ATWT), filmed her last scenes for the soap opera in March 2010 and died a few months later in May. Helen holds the distinction of uttering the first words ever spoken on the television version of ATWT, being the one on camera in 1963 when Walter Conkrite interrupted to tell the world that President Kennedy had been shot and is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest run in a single role on television. Coincidentally, the show, one of the longest running soap operas in history, went off the air forever in September 2010.

Steve Jobs

And then, of course, there was Steve Jobs, the infamous founder of Apple. Just six weeks after resigning (albeit to due to illness), died at his home in October 2011.

Amidst all these celebrities, I can’t help but think of my mom, who died at the age of 60 earlier this year. Yes, it was the cancer that ultimately made her stop working. But as she battled it for two years, undergoing chemo, radiation and even surgeries, she continued to work. She worked until September 2010 and died a few months later in January 2011. I still cannot believe she worked up until then. My dad’s story was very similar – not long after he retired is when his cancer was discovered. He, too, fought the disease and continued what I believe was his true calling – being our daddy – right up until the very end.
It’s funny. Most of us dream about the day we can retire and enjoy our lives. It seems like these folks were already enjoying their lives to the fullest and when the joy of doing what they did was taken away, they could just move on to a better place. I guess they’re still living the dream, in that respect. Why stick around on earth when you could be in Heaven, enjoying all that it has to offer?

Being a mommy.

Being a daddy.

By his stripes, she is finally healed!

My sister sent this to us this morning and it made me cry. This was, without a doubt, my mom speaking to her. She is finally healed!

Yesterday I downloaded a daily Bible verse app for my phone. I was listening to an audio book that made me think. My mom kept saying she was going through this for a reason and she believed it was to witness to others. So I thought maybe there was some sort of message there for me, so I looked up the two verses that she always referenced. I was a little bummed because there didn't seem to be a hidden message. To be honest after [losing] my dad and now my mom, my faith was very shaken! Well... This of all the verses in the Bible was chosen as today's Bible verse on my new app: But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5

For those of you who spoke with my mom in her last few months, I'm sure you have heard this verse. This verse really inspired her! She would always say, "I am healed, I am healed! By his stripes I am healed!" Until her death we took that very literally but only truly understood it recently.

What we really need is...

Tonight my sister and I were texting back and forth, talking about how overwhelmed we are with everything going on with mom. I said something like, "We really need therapy." My sister responded with, "We need something...I just don't know what." I sent back, "A miracle." And in her most profound words ever, my baby sister responded with, "I'd settle for a good laxative!"

Praying for a Miracle

It's been awhile since I've blogged. To say I've been busy is an understatement. When I look back on this time in my life, I wonder what parts of it I will remember. Hopefully the good parts, not the stressful, painful parts that seem to be the norm right now. 

I wrote the paragraph below on my cell phone, while lying in a bed in my cousin's house in Houston with my mom the day after we visited MD Anderson for the first time. We'd reached the end of our treatment options in Austin and we were hoping for good news. We didn't get it, not really. MD Anderson, known for not believing in the world terminal, told us that her cancer is terminal. We were devastated. But, there was a tiny glimmer of hope - a clinical trial that has already helped several other women with the exact same rare form of breast cancer that mom has. They were clear that there's still no cure, but they were excited about the results they'd seen so far in the trial. We left Houston the next day, not knowing yet if mom would be accepted into the clinical trial.

September 20, 2010: I'm lying here thinking that this might be the last time I ever share a bed with my mom. Funny how I don't mind that her leg has meandered over into my space or that her pointy elbow is dangerously close to my head. She's moaning and snoring and it sounds beautiful to me. I wish she was talking in her sleep like she was last night. I wish I could bottle up these special times with her and make them last longer. I wish I could take back every fight I've ever had with her. I'll stop typing now to pray for a miracle.

We raced for the Cure

Last Friday we found out that my mom's breast cancer is back. This time in her lungs. Two days later, we walked in the Race for the Cure on a team named in her honor, Uby's Boobies. I have so many emotions and fears running through me right now, but I'd rather focus on the positive and fun experience we all had at the Race. I think it boosted mom's spirits...and I hope it will help her fight Round 2 with as much strength and grace as she did last time. Love you, momma.

Rainbows in the Clouds

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope.” – Maya Angelou

I can't sleep on a Saturday night because I have either really bad allergies or the beginnings of a cold. So I logged onto Twitter. I noticed that "Maya Angelou" was a trending topic and gasped. No, no, no! Please don't tell me that something has happened to my beloved Maya Angelou! I immediately went into super search mode and discovered that she was taken to the hospital for unknown reasons sometime on Saturday. I also found some tweets that say she is ok, but you never know what to believe. So my thoughts & prayers are with Maya Angelou…I pray that she will be ok. And I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to see her speak in person at my alma mater, West Texas A&M University, about six months ago.

I was so moved by her words, but surprisingly, I don’t think I ever wrote about the experience. Maya talked about the importance of finding “rainbows in the clouds.” She marveled at how just a few years ago, she would not have even been allowed to attend a school like WT and now here they were, inviting her to be their honored guest. Then she said, “This University is a rainbow in the clouds.” That’s when my tears started flowing. I don’t think they stopped the entire time she spoke. Her words were just so eloquent, so profound…and Maya just glows on stage. She IS greatness. We are all truly blessed by her presence here on Earth. SHE is a rainbow in the clouds.

- - -

Yesterday my mom had a CT scan because she has completed all of her chemo and radiation and has done well after mastectomy surgery. About 7pm, she received a call from her oncologist, telling her that they found nodules on her lungs. Crap, crap, crap. He said that it could be simply inflammation, but it could also be cancer again. Next week she will undergo a PET scan and maybe a biopsy. My first reaction was extreme anger at cancer and total and complete fear. I REFUSE to lose another parent to cancer. This is NOT cancer. It can’t be. I’m still scared out of my mind, but I’ve steeled myself for the fight, whatever it entails. And I’m keeping my eye out for rainbows in the clouds.

Front Row Seats

As I sit here watching Steel Magnolias for about the millionth time and the sad part is making me cry for the millionth time, my heart is also aching for a dear friend of mine. Her dad, who was battling lung cancer, passed away yesterday.

It's bringing back a flood of memories for me. I can still remember the emotions of losing my own dad, also to lung cancer, about two and a half years ago. We both watched our fathers fight the disease bravely, for a long time. We watched them suffer. We watched their bodies transform from healthy, strong men to sickly and weak. Unfortunately, we saw them suffer. And it's something you never forget. I wish more than anything that I could take away the feelings I know she's going through right now. I wish no one ever had to feel the loss of a parent - or any loved one, for that matter. But we all have to do it.

I don't know how it all works, but ever since my grandma died in 1993, I've pictured her on the welcoming committee in Heaven, planning the arrival parties and greeting newcomers. I know that sounds silly, but it's truly how I picture it. That, and all of your family and friends who passed before you are there to greet you. Today, I pictured my dad there, to welcome my friend's dad, even though I'm not sure they ever met in person. But I'm positive he was there, to tell him thank you for being a good dad to his daughter who became my friend. For the longest time after my dad died, I pictured him as a kid in Heaven, running around, showing God and the angels how fast he could run. I saw him organizing baseball games and track meets. But after awhile, that feeling left me. Now I simply feel a comforting presence of my dad when I think of him. I know that he is up there watching over all of us. And now my friend's dad is too. They have front row seats to our lives and will be with us forever.

My mom, the rock star continued

Quick update on my mom for those who follow my blog. She is doing really well. It's been a week and two days since her mastectomy and she hasn't taken pain meds for days. She's up moving around, sweeping, loading & unloading the dishwasher, even watering plants outside. She tires easily, but that's to be expected. Her hair is growing like crazy and it's coming in this beautiful, shiny white color. She seems to be healing nicely and she has a great attitude. God must pick people carefully to give the challenge of breast cancer because she has been such a trouper! I had no idea she had this kind of strength in her. I knew she was an awesome mom, but seriously, she is amazing! I pray that I have half her strength if I ever need it.

My mom, the rock star

My mom is a rock star. How come I never knew before how strong she is?

From the hospital...

Mom's in her hospital room, still sleeping. She looks good. Watched the nurse empty the drain & it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Incision looks good according to the medical people, but terrible to me. It's a barbaric surgery. I just pray that all the cancer is gone!

Out of surgery!

They just finished mom's surgery & she went through it great! She's in recovery & then will go to a room soon. Thank God!

Headed into surgery...

Mom just went into surgery. She's in good spirits, already making jokes & everything. I have lots of confidence in her medical team...they are all very nice and good at what they do.

Before the hospital...

I have so many things I need to blog about, but I've been so busy! Today is my mom's mastectomy surgery. She has been so brave through her chemo treatments & I know that she will do well in surgery & recovery too. I can tell my mom is nervous, but she even got up and cleaned out the fridge this morning! 6:48 a.m. and almost time to leave for the hospital. Prayers, please.

One Giant Step for Jenn

Today I started a 5K walking training program! This may not seem like a lot to most of you, but for me, this was a huge step. I've committed to walking in the May 9 March for Babies event and now to walking in the Seton Ignite 5K in June. I am determined to also walk in the Race for the Cure again. Two years ago, I walked in it and finished, but wound up with a nasty knee injury requiring several months of rehab. From walking! Ridiculous.

I am the classic example of use it or lose it. As a kid, I roller skated and bicycled EVERYWHERE. I did gymnastics and played softball for ten years. Then I just kinda stopped really doing anything. Sure, I've walked, I've done yoga, played the occasional softball game and lived to regret it for weeks...and I even did a back walkover about 10 years ago at Christmas just to prove I could. Man, did that hurt. But I am seriously out of shape and in need of some serious weight loss. I'm not one of those chicks who just says that either, I really, really need to get healthy. I did Weight Watchers two years ago, lost 20 lbs and was really excited. Then I hit a plateau, suffered the knew injury mentioned above...and got discouraged.

Other stressful things like my dad dying of cancer and now my mom fighting cancer have given me the perfect excuse to ignore my own health concerns. But I hope that with the baby steps I took today, I am starting down the long road to better health. Because the reality is that I could be facing cancer or other health issues one day. Most of us do at some point. And I have yet to hear that diet and exercise are bad for you. Believe me, I've been on the lookout for word of this, but no luck. Today felt great. My hips and heels already hurt, but that's ok. Maybe next week they'll hurt just a little less.

Wish me luck on this long and winding road...

weekend

This has been a weird – and sad – weekend. Some good things happened this weekend too, though. As you know if you read my blog, my mom is fighting breast cancer. Well she was feeling really tired last week because her white blood cell count was low. They gave her shots to boost them and by Friday she was much better. So she was able to get her 2nd chemo treatment. Sounds funny that being able to get chemo is a good thing, but it is! Plus, we found out at the appointment that the tumor has already shrunk quite a bit. Yay! That means the chemo is working, thank God. She’ll still have to have surgery and radiation after that, but getting rid of the cancer cells is what we want! Even though mom was feeling better, towards the end of the week, her hair started to fall out. She had each of us cut some and sported a crazy, spiky hairdo (at least in the house) for a few days. Today mom went to see Tracie, a friend who is a hairdresser, and had her head shaved. She has two wigs and some scarves and caps she can wear… I know it was hard for mom, but she’s dealing with this a lot better than I would, that’s for sure.

This weekend was also full of sad news. First, we learned that Tracie’s mother-in-law had just passed away. I didn’t know her mother-in-law, but it’s still sad.

Then, while we were out getting my mom’s medicine Saturday, we got a call from my mom’s friend Melanie telling us that an old family friend, Danny, had suddenly died of a massive heart attack. It was also the first anniversary of Melanie’s dad’s death. Eerie. Danny grew up with my parents, was my mom’s second cousin, was in their wedding, served along with his wife as my baptismal sponsor and spent lots of time driving around and talking with my dad when he was sick. He had this huge, toothy grin and a larger than life laugh – that’s how I will remember him.

Then tonight I heard from yet another friend whose dad passed away five days ago.

Obviously mortality and the possibility of losing another parent have been weighing heavily on my mind lately. April 6 marks two years since my dad died of lung cancer….as the date gets closer and closer, memories keep rushing back to me of his time in the hospital. I wonder if this will always be the case or if that part of it will go away. I miss dad every single day, but I was again reminded after hearing about Danny how lucky we were to have had so much time to spend with him before he died.

Found this great quote from John Barrymore and it made me smile: “The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.” So I’ll sign off now because I’ve got a lot of living to do! ;)

Obama's pledge to cure cancer

President Obama has pledged to find a cure for cancer. Just reading these words made my eyes well up with tears. God bless you, Mr. President. And I hope we do find a cure. Soon.

My day with mom

My mom has always had beautiful, thick hair, the bluest blue eyes and great legs. I've always been jealous of those attributes. But I realized today that there are so many more things about my mom that I admire. Like the fact that she has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met. She was adopted and is still discovering things about her birth parents, but jumped at the chance to start her own family, which probably took some courage. She's also very brave.

Last Friday, we got good news from the oncologist -- he told us that the cancer is only in the breast and has not spread anywhere else. After some tears of joy, she immediately asked when we could start chemo. Imagine, she was excited to start chemo! Her chemo starts this Friday and even though I know she's scared, she's facing this journey with amazing courage that frankly I didn't know she had. I'm so impressed.

Today we visited the American Cancer Society & picked out two wigs. Mom didn't want to wait until her hair starts to fall out. I steeled myself for the moment she started crying, but it never happened. Mom and I actually had a good time trying on wigs and head covers. We laughed a lot and we found two really beautiful wigs that looked amazing on her. We have a long journey ahead, but she seemed so relieved to have that taken care of. I feel honored and blessed to have shared that experience with my mom.

overwhelmed

I realized today that I am overwhelmed with information about my mom’s cancer – and maybe it still hasn’t sunk in. I’m going through the motions, but I’m already in a fog. That familiar fog that I went into when my dad got sick. It took me a long time to climb out of that fog…and here I go again. I don’t want to be in a fog. I don’t want this fight with cancer to go the same way. It won’t. It can’t. But what if it does? Holy shit. I’m scared out of my mind. My sister had a panic attack when we were at the oncologist’s office Friday. I’m surprised I didn’t have one too. When do I get to have mine?

Things we know: stage three. That’s bad – it only goes to four. Shit. Spindle cell malignancy. Sarcomatoid carcinoma or sarcomatoid breast cancer. We don’t know yet. No clue what the difference is. The tumor is 7.5 x 6 centimeters big. That’s like a tennis ball. Chemo for sure, surgery for sure. Mastectomy. Major surgery, more time to heal, more chances of something going wrong. No visibly swollen lymph nodes, but it’s very likely that there are tumors in the lymph nodes. Shit, shit, shit. Doctor says without chemo, there’s a 40% cure rate for this cancer. It improves dramatically with chemo treatments. What?!?!?!? That sucks! That’s not good enough for me. I want 100% cure rate.

Next steps: blood work, PET scans and CT scans to be sure it’s limited to her breast. Please, God. Chemo will start in the next few weeks and will happen about every two weeks. I don’t like this…I don’t like any of this. Can my mom tell how freaked out I am? I hope not.

It's about forgiveness

I've always loved that Don Henley song "Heart of the Matter." Today someone told me about a study that found that the only thing all cancer patients have in common is that they all had someone they didn’t forgive for something. I’m not sure how much truth there is to that, but it sure makes you think, doesn’t it? We’re supposed to forgive people; you always hear it’s not healthy to hold on to anger. Maybe there really is some truth to that.

50 more years

The worry is creeping in. The guilt is definitely creeping in. I fear that we’ll get even worse news from the surgeon tomorrow about my mom’s breast cancer. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and I know that we are all ready to kick cancer’s butt. I keep saying to myself, “I can’t do this again.” I keep replaying times when I’ve been less than kind to my mom, remembering all those years when our relationship was strained. We had some serious shouting matches. We’ve come a long, long way in our relationship and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we love each other. I hope my mom knows how much I love her. We love to tease her about all the silly things that she does…I hope she knows that I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I know I’ve never told her this. Despite all our disagreements, she has a heart of gold, is very forgiving, and has unwavering Faith. She may not always say the right thing and she may bring you stinky Chinese food and the movie “Deliverance” when you’re sick in bed, but she’s always there for you. I have so many “Ruby” stories…she’s infamous with my friends and co-workers. I am so thankful that we are so much closer now. We spend a lot of time laughing – and while it may be laughing AT each other, we’re together and we’re laughing…and I want to be laughing with my mom for 50 more years.